Healthy Relationships

We have relationships with our friends, our family, our teachers, youth workers, our doctor, our neighbours …

LGBT relationships don't just mean your love life! Some of the most important relationships in our lives don't involve romance.

We have relationships with our friends, our family, our teachers, youth workers, our doctor, our neighbours …

However, this section is mostly about relationships with partners. It's a great feeling when our relationships are going well but if any thing goes wrong for any reason, it can cause a lot of grief. Good communication and respect is important in all our relationships.

Different kinds of relationships

People may have different kinds of relationships – they may be long term or short term. Some relationships are monogamous (seeing one person exclusively), some are not. The important thing is that there is communication and honesty from the start.

It is now possible for same sex couples to become Civil Partners, which means you can have your relationship legally formalized. Civil partnerships are sometimes called “gay marriage” but actually there are key differences between marriage and civil partnership. For more information visit www.civilpartners.org

Initiating Relationships

For some of us, the thought of meeting and speaking to new people can bring us out in a cold sweat. If you spot someone, how can you move it from being a distant glance to a bit more? Here are some top tips:

Look: make eye contact and hold it. Look at them until they look back and then let it linger. It will show your openness and interest.
Smile: be absolutely sure to smile – it's contagious and gives out a powerful message.
Body language: your body can tell someone a lot. Lean toward them – you'll appear keener. Don't sit there with your arms and legs crossed – it'll seem as if you are uncomfortable and defensive.
Make some physical contact: a subtle touch will let them know that you are comfortable with them.

Finding Love

What is the best way to find Mr Right or Mrs Right?

Unfortunately there is no one place where all LGBT people go. There are a few places, however, where you can make contact with LGBT young people:

Youth Groups: Use the Internet to find your local LGBT Youth Group.
Everyday life: LGBT people are everywhere. In your class at school or university, at your local youth group, amongst our friends. Whether you are in a supermarket or on the bus it is possible to meet someone.
Newspaper/magazine ads, Chat rooms (For 18s+): be careful who you give your personal details to. If you arrange to meet them make sure it is in a place where there are lots of people and tell someone where you are going.
Pubs/Clubs (For 18s+): there are as many LGBT young people who like the scene as dislike it but there are some good nights to be had out there.

Communicating in relationships

Forget sending flowers and chocolates – the best gift you can give your boyfriend or girlfriend is good communication.

Listen with love: focus on what they say to you and work out what is really being said. When we really talk to each other we learn to trust and open up a bit more.
Talk openly: we need to let the other person know how we are really feeling, what we need and what we hope for.
Ask for what you need: It might just be asking for a hug, but if we don't tell them what we want, there could always be confusion. If they offer you things you like, accept and say thanks.

Dealing with Relationship Problems

Even the most meant-to-be relationships can have their share of hurdles. Smaller obstacles are not only inevitable but can actually help couples learn to communicate with each other. But what happens when bigger things come into play?

It isn't necessarily the end of the relationship. Here are some tips and advice:

Don't keep a tally of “wins” and “losses”: this can be a really common problem – people keeping an internal score against the other person and then using it as ammunition in a disagreement. It really is okay to let your partner come out on top sometimes. It can be hard but it is better to wipe the slate clean.
Be aware of your language: stop using words like “always” and “never”; saying something like, “You never listen to what I say” undermines your credibility and you sound like you are exaggerating. Don't insult and call each other names – every time you do, a little bit of your relationship gets damaged.
Don't threaten each other: if you say “or else” you mean there will be consequences if you don't get what you want. Few people respond well to a threat, hidden or not, and it could well encourage them to do the exact opposite. You need to define what the consequence will be and keep it in perspective.
Find the right time to talk: there's a right time and place to get into big relationship discussions. Find somewhere quiet and comfortable – not in public. It's better not to sort things out over the phone or even worse via text.
Say sorry: if you have acted in a hurtful or disrespectful way – apologise. You might have said something in the heat of the moment that you regret, so swallow your pride, apologise and ask for forgiveness. You should also expect an apology from them if they have hurt you. If someone does apologise – accept it.

Dealing with Relationship Endings

In relationships there are never any guarantees of everlasting happiness and love. Sometimes things go wrong and the course of true love might not always run smoothly.

If a relationship has ended, you may be feeling all kinds of ups and downs. We all respond to things in different ways. There can be feelings of anger, rejection, loneliness, fear and resentment. Our self-esteem can also take a battering. It is important to get these feelings out – don't try and talk yourself out of being sad or upset. Tears are part of the process of healing.

We all go through periods of venting all our feelings to anyone who will listen but spare your nearest and dearest the endless repetition. Make sure that you take an interest in their lives as well. It is better if you try and get back to regular everyday things whether that's arranging to meet up with a group of pals or even joining a group.

Lots of people can have problems in their relationships and feel confused about them. The main thing is to be able to make up your own mind about what you feel and what you do. If you have any worries about your relationship and want some support and advice, talk to a trusted adult, a good friend or check out some of these services:

Useful websites

Sex and Relationships

Internet safety

www.thinkuknow.co.uk

Respect in Relationships and Domestic Abuse

The majority of newspapers, magazines, television show, movies (etc.) that talk about domestic abuse refer to heterosexual/straight women, but this does not mean that it doesn’t happen to LGBT people. It does.

It happens to approximately 1 in 4 LGBT people, which is about the same proportion as domestic abuse happening to heterosexual/straight women.

If you are in a relationship, you should feel valued, respected and free to be yourself. You shouldn't be made to feel intimidated or controlled.

Domestic Abuse happens in many different ways – assess your relationship by answering the questions below:

Do you feel nervous around you partner?
Do you feel scared of disagreeing with them?
Do they ever scare you with violence or threatening behaviour?
Do they put you down when you’re on your own or in front of other people?
Do they wrongly accuse you of seeing or flirting with other people?
Do they make it difficult, awkward or stop you from seeing friends or family?
Do they threaten to ‘out’ you to your family or work?
Do they prevent you from attending LGBT or other events/venues?
Do they control your money against your will?
Do they check up on you or question what you do without them?
Do they force you to engage in sexual acts that you aren’t comfortable with?
Do they tell you that the abuse is your fault?
Do they say that they will kill or hurt themselves if you break up with them?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions you may be experiencing domestic abuse.
Feeling scared, humiliated, pressured or controlled is not the way you should feel in a relationship. You should feel loved, respected, and free to be yourself. Your feelings and safety are important. There is never an excuse for domestic abuse.

LGBT Youth Scotland has launched a new project to work on LGBT Domestic Abuse in Scotland, supported by the Scottish Executive. The project will be focused on working with service providers; initially through development of an LGBT Domestic Abuse website with useful information on how to meet the needs of LGBT people experiencing domestic abuse, and signposting to appropriate services. A training package for service providers on LGBT domestic abuse will be developed and piloted across Scotland. The project will also do some work on raising awareness of the existence of domestic abuse within the LGBT community.

There will be much more information on domestic abuse on the new website – a link to the website will be made available as soon as it goes live. For any further information in the meantime please contact:

LGBT Domestic Abuse Project Manager
info@lgbtyouth.org.uk

Or you can also get advice and support on www.broken-rainbow.org.uk