Coming Out
Luckily, it gets easier the second … third … fourth … and fifth times you do it!
At some point, most LGBT people "come out" by telling people about their sexual orientation or gender identity.
There are many ways of doing it, but for some it is one of the hardest things they ever have to do. Luckily, it gets easier the second … third … fourth … and fifth times you do it!
Sometimes people talk about coming out as if its something you do once and then it's over with. In reality, there are times when we have to "come out" through our whole lives – when we meet new people or find ourselves in a new situation. Usually "coming out" is used to mean telling people you are LGB or T. However, coming out just means being honest about who you are!
In this section we'll be looking at some of our young people's top tips for coming out the first time, and some support that's available if things don't as well as planned. Good luck!
Young People's Top Tips for Coming Out
BEFORE
- Try to come to terms with your sexuality/ gender yourself first
- Prepare yourself – practise what you want to say, and think of answers to questions like "how long have you known?" etc
- Don't expect too much too soon
- Be happy in yourself first, and love who you are!
- Try practising on someone impartial (or your dog/cat/guinea pig/goldfish)
- If in doubt, wait until you feel right about it
- Make some hints, and people might guess themselves
WHERE?
- Think about the setting and environment (e.g. not at family weddings or over Christmas Dinner)
- Do it on neutral ground
- Do it somewhere safe
WHEN?
- When you're ready!
- Pick the right occasion where you'll have time to talk
- Don't feel pressured into it – make sure it's the right time
- Don't come out during an argument
WHO?
- Someone open-minded
- Don't feel obliged to tell everyone
- Tell people you trust
- Don't tell people that you know like to gossip
- If you have any LGBT friends, tell them first as they are more likely to understand
- Tell those important to you before someone else does
HOW?
- Be discreet
- Do it in a way that's right for you
- Take it at your own pace
- If you can't do it face-to-face, send a letter or a tape
AFTER?
- Get back-up for after – talk to friends or trusted adults
- Don't let anyone force labels on you
- Don't pigeonhole yourself, allow yourself space to grow and change
- Don't take homophobia to heart
- Get in contact with LGBT Youth, or other organisations that can help
- Look for support and info for parents (see below)
- Give them time to come to terms with it – you've had your whole life, remember!
- Keep communicating with those important to you – let them know that nothing has really changed
- Remember it is not only difficult for you!
AND LASTLY
- Let coming out be a celebration, not a trial!
- Coming out gets easier the more you do it.
- Be nice to yourself and remember you're fantastic!
- Remember you are not alone – look at the support section below
Coming Out Support
All the organisations listed on the "LGBT Support" section should be able to give you support about coming out and all the stuff that goes with it, but here’re a few more links:
Support for Parents
Parents may need someone to talk to in confidence, as many find it hard to talk to their friends about it.
Young people aren't the only people who struggle when they come out. Even the most caring parents may go through many emotions: shock, guilt, anger, depression.
This is normal for most parents, and doesn't necessarily mean they are "bad" parents. Parents may need someone to talk to in confidence, as many find it hard to talk to their friends about it. These organisations may be able to help:
- Parents Enquiry Scotland www.parentsenquiryscotland.org
This is a confidential phone line and website for the parents of LGBT people of any age. Parents who have had similar experiences run it. They are volunteers so please call at sociable hours.
- If you are the parent of an LGBT person and would like to volunteer for Parent's Enquiry, please contact Ann through the website. Any support is very welcome!
ParentLine Scotland www.parentlinescotland.org.uk
0808 800 2222
- A free, confidential helpline for parents in Scotland to talk about any problem, large or small that is having an effect on them and their children.
Leaflets
Our “Coming Out Guides” for young men and women are available.
If you would like to order a copy of one of these leaflets, contact info@lgbtyouth.org.uk with your contact details.